The Art Of Letting Go

"Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure." —  Stephen King, Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption: A Story from Different Seasons 

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Everyone has heard the line "you need to let go and move on" in their lifetime. Easy to say to someone, fucking difficult to do when you're the one living in the center of it. It’s a dark place. It hurts to hold on and it’s also a painful process to let go. It crushes you to your very core coming to the realization that someone you’ve loved is no longer a part of your life anymore. It's uncomfortable, it's dreaded emptiness, it’s glimpses of devastation, it’s suffering and sometimes self-destructive, it feels like you're drowning and you forgot how to swim, it's anxiety, madness and overthinking, it's a foreign place, a language you do not understand, and sometimes it's never getting closure. Every second, minute of the day feels like it's stretched out like the ocean shores whilst you’re trying to heal the brokenness that lives inside of you. Some people have mastered the art of letting go, while others remain stuck for what feels like an eternity, not knowing when the person they lost that continues living on inside of them will come out. It’s a soft-hearted sacrifice loving someone greater than you love yourself.  

 

But holding on to someone is like holding onto a rope whilst dangling above the earth. You’re full of fear that you’re going to fall, that you would die if you just let go. You’re holding on so tight that your hands start to weaken, you’re getting tired from putting all your strength into holding onto the rope, your grip loosens for a bit and you fall midway, skinning your hands on the way down as you desperately try to cling on. You breathe a sigh of relief because you thought you lost the rope. You try to climb back up again, only your skinned hands are in agony, it’s becoming incredibly painful to continue holding onto the rope, you can feel the skin on your hands breaking apart, you lose your grip again and fall to the ground. At first, yes, the fall hurts, but you are able to stand back up on your own two feet, dust yourself and look back up to the top of the rope in awe that you survived. See, at first you were fearful of letting go of the rope because you thought the fall would kill you, only it was holding onto the rope that caused you the most pain, ripped you apart and made you feel exhausted. 

 

I know it hurts to say goodbye to someone when all your heart wants to do is hold on for dear life. Your heart trashes around your chest like an angry Great White Shark in a cage, you’re pulled vigorously like a puppet on strings, you gasp for air because it feels like you’ve been kicked in lungs and punched in the throat. It's days, weeks, months and even years of emotions coming and going. But letting go and moving on is not about controlling the waves that come over you, let them come, because they will. Some will be a tsunami, others will be gentle waves kissing the shore, it’s about keeping your boat floating and moving forward to a safe haven, a place of peace and happiness.  

 

In order to let go you need to learn to accept. Accept that closure is truly a rare phenomenon. Accept you won’t ever get the answer you want to hear. You'll never get the apology you needed. Accept that this person is no longer a part of your life moving forward, but instead apart of your past, filled with wonderful memories. You’ll need to embrace change. Embrace that your daily routine will not involve seeing or talking to this person, instead give yourself something else to look forward to in the day, free yourself from the attachment that once was there. Embrace new relationships or new projects or hobbies that will help you grow, learn and heal in order to find inner peace and happiness again. You'll need to modify your expectations. This will keep you from becoming attached to a preconceived vision that is not guaranteed. Ask yourself what do you value? What type of person do you want to be? Who do you want to be around? If the next person who comes into your life doesn’t have what you value most, don’t waste your time. Remember what you deserve and know you are capable of love. You need to forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you. Sadly, some of life’s greatest lessons come from the ones who loved and hurt us. And lastly, you need to know you’re not alone in this fight, and you never will be, many people will be feeling the same way you are. So, don’t give up, don’t close your heart to the world and don’t stop believing that tomorrow could be a better day.  

 

The process of letting go never happens overnight. You’ll need to master patience and trust the process. Some days you'll put up a really good fight but still lose, and that’s okay, spit the blood out from your mouth, get back up and try again. The day will come where you see everything differently, you’ll wake up one day and notice the pain in your chest has subsided, the heart feels like it’s mended, the fog around your head has cleared, and you’ll look back and be reminded that while it did hurt at the time, you've now changed, you've now grown, your heart that once was so heavy is lighter and everything worked out just as it should when your heart finally decided the day to let everything you held on to so tight go.  

  

  

  

Maybe the lost do come back, but you don’t have to answer

“I have learned that people will stay, leave, save, and destroy you, but by far the most dangerous thing they can ever do is come back”. - Beau Tauplin, The Arsenal 

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I didn't know it at the time, but I met the love of my life about ten years ago. He didn't come to me all shiny and wrapped in a red bow with a big neon sign pointing at him saying "this is your soulmate" either. It was far from that. He came wrapped in jumpers and a beanie with a big goofy smile on his face and brown eyes that glistened like melted chocolate. We met through a mutual friend over beers and a fire in the middle of winter. We became friends instantly. There was an undeniable click between us. We fooled around together for a little while and naturally feelings began developing over time, until the inevitable happened, right out of left field, it felt like a baseball had hit me in the temple...he found someone else. 

I was devastated, more upset than I thought I would be. Maybe I was in denial about how much I liked him? We stopped talking after that for a long period. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t think of him or miss him; but I went on with my life, as did he, with her. So I dated other people with him still on my mind, I took gym and my health really seriously, went out with friends, worked my hours at work and before I knew it roughly six months had passed before that day came, the day he decided to come back into my life with a simple “hey, how have you been?” message that appeared on my phone. And this is the part I should have hit delete and continued on with my life but didn’t, because I knew right down to my very soul we weren’t meant to end there. Seeing his name gave me so many mixed emotions - I was pissed as all hell to the point I threw my phone across the room, I threw out a big “fuck you, why?!” to the universe, I wanted answers, yet I was also relieved I had him back in my life. But from that day forward I felt myself build a wall bigger than the Great Wall of China around my heart (or so I thought). From that day I refrained from showing any kind of emotion to him in order to protect myself. 

Weeks, months, years went on, where we’d talk about any anything and nothing, we never ran out of things to say. And even if there were spaces in between we’d pick back off where we left it. That’s the funny thing about soulmates, nothing ever goes away or gets fully lost, the energy from them stays lingering in your soul. I did however refrain myself from seeing him for a long time because I was scared of what I would feel for him if I were to lay my eyes on him, I knew that wall I built around me would come crashing down. We always knew something was there for us, but neither of us were willing to admit it to each other, though everyone could see it. So in the space of ten years we both got other partners and went on with our lives but always came back to one another because the pull was too strong. Our connection with each other was and has never been toxic. It’s very calming, like we knew each other from another life. We accepted each other’s flaws, we never fought, we’ve always supported one another. With him I’ve always felt safe, with him it feels like home. 

I didn’t want to admit it to myself but I knew for certain I was in love with him on his 30th birthday and I knew deep down he was in love with me...until he kissed another chick in front of my very eyes and to be fair we were just friends but I was back in heartbreak city all over again. I should have said my goodbyes then and there but I couldn’t, once again our connection was far too deep to throw it away, though I did shut him out a bit for months after this to protect myself again. The thing is with us, timing has never been on our side, he was always away for work or we both were in relationships and the universe just didn’t want us to line up and when we did line up I was too fearful of getting hurt again so it was best to just remain friends. We both knew somewhere along the way we fucked up some chances to be together but I always knew one day we'd finally get there when the timing was right.

Fast forward a year later and I get the message I never wanted to receive - “I’m moving interstate in a few weeks”. Well fuck, my stomach dropped, I’d be damned, my soul ached over this, this person was no longer going to be anywhere near me. So he moved away for work and we still kept in contact. Then I was hit with the news before Christmas that I had a cancerous tumor to my liver with a diagnosis of five to nine years to live and everything about us come into perspective. There was no way I was going to leave this earth without the person I knew I was meant to be with by my side because I was fearful of getting hurt. I loved him and I didn’t give a fuck about distance or timing anymore. This guy was my soulmate. What we had was just far too rare and too strong, I’ve never experienced it with any other person. He was the first person I called when I found out the news, he was there for me when I came out of ICU and was constantly checking up on me when I got to finally come home and for that I am forever grateful and can never repay him for the way he made me feel.

It was a bittersweet moment. We finally got our shit together after I was on the mend and admitted we were in love with each other and I was cancer free! It honestly was a very freeing moment, releasing years of built up emotions towards each other. He brought even more colour to my world. Kissing him again for the first time in ten years was euphoric. Each day and the time I had with him was precious. Until tragically, after a few months doing the long distance relationship, we parted ways. I could physically feel the pain in my chest, you’d think the next continent could hear the thrashing and breaking of my heart, it was so ferocious, it felt like my whole body had been swallowed up by quick sand as I stood in front of the person I loved for many years, tears swelling like I could drown in them. I had a lump in my throat with all the words I wanted to spit out but swallowed because I couldn’t even string a proper sentence together to explain the way I ached. It felt like my chest cavity got heavy, like someone put a 100 kilo vest on me and it was about to crush my bones around my heart. I wanted us to defy the odds until we could be together in the one place. He was my person. 

- 

I saw him for the first time, roughly three months after we ended. That knock on my door echoed through my body and I almost lost my breath for a minute. My blood was racing though my veins, pure adrenaline, as I was about to face the guy who broke my heart but yet the guy I loved with every fiber of my being. There he was, tired from his early morning flight, but as handsome as I remember since the last time I saw his face, the face I thought I’d never see again. His brown eyes were as dark as ever that morning, they change colour based on his mood. Sometimes they turn into a chestnut honey colour, other times they’re darker than my morning coffee. His scar under his eye creased as he smiled at me. I don’t know why but that scar gets me weak, it’s one of my favourite things on his body I love to kiss. I honestly can’t even remember what was said, but I remember feeling a whole lot of sadness and regret as he sat in front of me while tears were forming in my eyes ready to break. Regret we both didn’t just go for it sooner because timing, distance and fear was in the way, regret for holding back our feelings for one another for so long, regret for going round in circles like we were revolving doors, regret for not trying hard enough. The love is there and it's real and that’s what hurts the most, loving someone so much but you cannot be with them at this moment in life...and trust me I tried with every ounce of my being to fight for it, to fight for the person I love. 

So maybe you'll hug your loved ones a little longer, or call the person you're in love with and express to them how you feel, or try a little harder and put in more effort in your relationship after you read this. I wish I could say I had a happy ending to this story and I hope one day I will and I am able to share it. Maybe one day we’ll realize we can’t live without each other and we will give it another shot or maybe one day the lost does come back and maybe that’s the day I finally don’t answer. 

Nostalgic for You (Short Story)

Source: Leah Berman

As I stand on top of the rugged cliffs edges and look to the horizon where the deep blue sea and the sky meet I can't help but wonder what it would feel like or if I'd feel anything at all if I hurled my body onto the sharp boulders below. People have always told me I have a wild imagination and think too deeply but I always think about this every time I come up here. I'm not suicidal, but I always wonder what would be my last thoughts in that moment as my body falls through the air, plummeting rapidly. Would I think of him and his big brown eyes? Would my childhood come flashing back to me like I was watching a film? Would I see my dead parents faces calling for me to 'come home' to them? They died in a tragic plane crash last Spring. There were no survivors. Luckily I still have my brother. A strong gust of wind slightly knocks me forward and startles me, I step back collecting myself and head over to my bench where I can sit and watch the surfers ride the waves as I drink my coffee. 

I come up to these cliffs quite often, it's my safe place, where I come to think when I'm upset or just to watch the world go by. My boyfriend and I had broken up eight weeks ago and I can still feel the ungodly ache in my chest, it pulsates through my body. He was a handsome man, dark hair with this one curl that always fell over his forehead. He had those big brown eyes that sparkled in the sun, they reminded me of chestnuts and honey and a smile that made heat radiate off my body and got me all flustered every time I saw it. His lips were plump but soft like a peach. I loved him, god I loved him so much. He left me for a job interstate. He couldn't do both, it was too much effort and too exhausting on him. I told him I'd move with him but he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "it's a big ask for you to move with me, you have too much going on for you up here, a great job in marketing and a promising career in writing, your brother and friends live here, it would be too much for you to leave. The only thing I have here, is you." And in that moment, all my dreams and future plans we had together, walked out, along with the love of my life. I scoffed at the thought of that. Fuck him. I never even got a say in the matter.

As the sun starts to set over the horizon, I close my eyes and breath in, trying to shake the thoughts of him out of my mind. "Think, think of something else, anything else but him", I say to myself as I sit there eyes still closed listening to the waves crashing along the shoreline and the hum in my ear from the breeze, trying so hard not to think of him, but I do, I always think of him, too much and too often, he’s distracting. I sit there and reminisce about the night of our five year anniversary. 

We splashed out and got a swanky room in one of the 5-star hotels in the city. I was meeting him there after I had finished work. The room was dimly light, just a lamp was on in the corner of the room along with some scented candles on the nightstand. There were vases of five dozen long stemmed roses placed around the room, one for each year we were together. He was sweet and romantic. I remember I could see out the window to an array of city and car lights. Rain was pouring down onto the slightly opened window sill. It was a typical Autumn night, always drizzling late at night but warm during the day. I was wearing a grey trench coat I had purchased during the week, it was an impulse buy, didn't think I'd actually get around to wearing it. I was wearing only black lingerie underneath it when I walked into the room. I removed all my clothes in the lobby bathroom beforehand, I wanted to surprise him. I had taken the trench coat off and placed it over the chair that was adjacent to the window, and noticed there were two glasses and a bottle of french champagne on the table next to chair so I poured a glass, took a sip and moved to lay on the bed. The coolness of the Autumn air outside tickled my skin and made my nipples harden as I laid down on the soft mattress, my long, silky dark hair cascading around the dozen pillows as I sunk further into them.

I closed my eyes and smiled. I thought to myself how could I be so lucky. I could hear him turn off the shower in the bathroom, he was humming away like he always did in the shower. It made me giggle. He then emerged into the room naked, water was beading down his chest, the gleam of light from behind him and the light sheen of water on his skin made his muscles look well-defined. He ran his hand through his wet hair and gave me a cheeky, amused smirk, his eyes focused intensely on me. I could already feel the dampness in my lingerie, I was in a tangible level of anticipation and excitement. He neared the edge of the bed, his eyes lingering on all parts of my body, without saying a word, placing a hand gently on my ankle and sliding it up the back of my calf, where he leaned down to place a gentle kiss. He looked at my face as he ran his fingertips along my smooth leg. He kissed my knee, gently opening my legs and trailing kisses up my inner thigh as his hand caressed the other. I let my legs drop open effortlessly as he placed his lips on my new black lacy lingerie, teasing me, he always liked to tease me. He told me he loved what I wore, that I made a good choice but it wouldn't last long on me. I ran my fingers through his hair, and he smiled up at me. His stumble from his face rubbed against my thigh and I can feel the warmth of his breath against my skin. He crawled up the bed slowly and hovered just above me, lowering his head towards my lips, he rammed his tongue down my throat for a passionate kiss that made me want to explode. He had that affect on me. I ran my fingers lightly over his arms and his chest, down his stomach, then wrapping my hand around him for a long, slow tug. 

He ripped my underwear off, hurling it across the room without care, as he ran his hand over my body. I could vaguely hear the flickering of the candles, but little else, the city seemed a little too quiet or maybe I was just too entranced. His fingers penetrating into me led me to a state of euphoria - not yet orgasm, but rapture and relaxation. He couldn’t stand it any longer - my scent and my moaning. Kneeling on the bed, he pulled me by the waist toward himself with his strong arms, sliding my lower body onto his thick muscly thighs as I met him, slowly drawing it inside, my legs draped over his shoulders. He had one hand wrapped around my throat, the other in the slope of my back. He was precise and assertive and I could see the muscles clenching near his jaw with each thrust. Pleasure emanated throughout my body, drawing me closer to the eruption that I hoped would come soon, but then hoped it wouldn’t, because that moment felt so heavenly, I felt like I was on cloud nine, I didn’t want it to ever come to an end. But my pleasure continued to climb, my legs were quivering, both arms were out beside me as I latched onto the bed sheets trying to hold on, I could feel the electricity shooting through my veins, goosebumps forming on my skin, I let my body follow his rhythm, his domination and....

I open my eyes, a sudden cold breeze in the air has startled me, the kind that has a little sting as it hits the back of your neck and it's almost as though you can feel someone behind you, the kind that makes your spine crawl. "So, what are you thinking about up here?", a familiar voice says from behind me. I fling myself around to face the person behind me slightly embarrassed over the thoughts that had entered my mind.

It's him. He's come back.

She’s Going To Be The Girl You Wish You Married

Source: Tumblr

She’s not going to be the girl you marry, she’s going to be the girl you wish you married but didn’t, because by the time you realize her worth, by the time you realize the love she had for you was unconditional and infinite, by the time you realize you really couldn’t replace her, she would have let go of you and moved on to someone who already knew she was all they needed in their life to be happy. 

You traded real love for an empty life. You decided to give up on her, you ran when dark storm clouds formed across the horizon and instead of braving the weather together you drove off far away to sunshine and shelter and left her in the open without an umbrella. Silly boy, don’t you know that the most wonderful rainbows come after a storm? Well, that rainbow is her, picking up the damaged and scattered pieces alone and putting the life she had back together, differently, and without you in it. She finally realized that some battles were not worth fighting for anymore. She’d given it her all. She worked with what she had. She did everything she could do. She tried everything that she could possibly try. She was always loyal, faithful, and honest. She chose you over anyone else to love. She loved you for the person you are, flaws and all, she didn't try to change you. She stuck by you through the worst times, she cared so deeply for you and made sure you were always safe. She supported you with all the dreams and goals you wanted to pursue, she would have sacrificed anything to be with you and to make you happy. She continuously showed and proved to you that she loved you, her actions always lined up with her words. She gave it literally everything she had in her and that right there was her closure because she realized you didn’t appreciate her or respect her for all that she was. 

One day it'll hit you. It'll hit when you're in a bar, surrounded by all your friends and you'll realize how alone you feel. It'll hit you when you smell the scent of her favourite perfume walking through a store. It'll hit you when you're in the grocery store in the confectionery isle and you'll see that bag of red frogs that you always used to eat whilst watching a movie together. It'll hit you when you look down at your coffee and you'll remember how her big brown eyes would always light up before she kissed you. It'll hit you when you see a sunset, it will be soft and pink just like her lips. It'll hit you when you stretch your arm out across the bed and feel a cold, empty space. It'll hit you when you're riding fast on your motorcycle, you'll realize she gave you more of an adrenaline rush every time you saw her than your bike ever could. It'll hit you that she was your best friend and your soul mate. It'll hit you that the connection you had with her was real and rare. It'll hit you when it's too late for you to do anything about it. You waited too long. She's gone. 

She’s no longer the girl you can call or message when you’ve had a bad day or just because you want to hear her voice. She’s no longer the girl who is going to check up on you to see if you’re okay or text you good morning or goodnight. She’s no longer the girl who gives you witty banter and sarcasm that makes you smirk. She’s no longer the girl who will run her fingers along your body and through your hair as you fall asleep. She’s no longer the girl who will look at you like you’re the only one in the world, like you’re the sun, the moon and all of the stars. She’s no longer the girl who knows that spot on your body that sends you so wild it makes you laugh until you can't breathe. She's no longer the girl with the soft lips that's going to kiss you and kiss you and kiss you until you tell her to stop. She’s not even the girl that's going to reply to that “I miss you” text you send her months later when you've realized she’s the only one for you, the only one you truly want in life, because she is finally done fighting for someone who didn’t fight for her.

She will be with someone who wants to make her happy and hates to see her upset or hurting and would do anything to make the pain go away. She will be with someone who knows they can't let her go, someone who knows just how important she is, someone who makes her a priority. She will be with someone who is scared to lose her and what they have built for he will know that she is his future. She will be someone who can get into arguments with her and still look at her as if she's the best thing that's ever happened to them, who will grab her by the waist and kiss her to remind her that he is staying and won't give up when things get a little rough. She will be with someone who gives her attention, time and who is never "too busy" for her. She will be with someone who appreciates the little things she does for him. She will be with someone who would rather look at her than a sunset, who will tell her how exquisite she is every chance he gets. She will be with someone who will run his lips over her body like he's exploring a sacred temple. She will be with someone who will travel for hours on end just to see her for a few because he cherishes every passing moment with her. She will be with someone who knows he needs her by his side, through the good times and the bad. She will be in a relationship she doesn't have to question. She will be with someone who is so hopelessly, truly and completely in love with her. She will be with someone who is so sure about her....just like she was fucking so sure about you. 

She’s not going to be the girl you marry though, she’s going to be the girl you wish you married but didn’t because you realized a little too late and now you've truly lost her.

Nobody Teaches You How To Deal With Grief

“Grief is such a strange thing. Sometimes it seems to be gone entirely, but then one smell or sound or memory and it’s as if it was waiting there, in the shadows, until you noticed it following you.” - Natalie Whipple, House of Ivy & Sorrow

Grief, it’s a very painful and overwhelming emotion to feel, yet an essential and fundamental part for growth as a person. We all deal with it, it does not discriminate. Grief comes in many forms - from losing a loved one, whether they are alive or taken from the heavens above, to not landing your dream job, financial hardship or a health issue. 

Nobody teaches you how to deal with grief because dealing with grief is something that cannot be taught, because not a single one of us are the same. There’s no rule book or guidelines. We all have our own coping mechanisms. We all deal with it in different ways whether it be shutting yourself off from the world, screaming, crying and cursing until your lungs burn and your bones ache, to meditating or writing, or drinking, self medicating, fucking or sweating the pain away. How yourself deals with grief is no ones business but your own. And not one person has the right to tell you how you should express yourself whilst grieving or what you’re feeling isn’t valid enough, no matter how little or big they think the situation you’re going through is. The only people who think there is a time limit for grief have never truly lost a piece of their heart. 

Grieving IS NOT a sign of weakness. Grief is tremendous but love trumps it, always. You’ve grieved because you have loved with all of your beating heart. Grief is all the love you want to give, but cannot. And while you cannot give your love to that particular person or thing, give extra love to yourself. Be kinder to yourself. Don’t be impatient with the process of healing, there are many emotions to go through and steps to be taken. It is a slow process, and it may seem it’s impossible to get through but the feeling does lessen over time.

Life is relentless, there’s no timeout, it goes on and so must you. Day by day, the sun will rise again and so will you, you will put one foot in front of the other and there will be some days where you’ll wonder how you even made it through the day before, but you did, and you should be proud, you put on your armor and fought through another day and didn’t give up even though you felt the whole world was on your shoulders. The key is to keep going, keep waking up the next day, keep striving for your own well being. Channel all your pain into something that makes you happy. You will find over time you WILL start to feel better. But don’t beat yourself over the days where a wave comes crashing out of nowhere and you feel like you’re back drowning in sorrow again because as long as there was pure love and the greatest memories, you truly haven’t lost and no matter how hard you try, sometimes in life, some things or people cannot be fixed or forgotten, they can only be carried.