"I’ve never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. That pain is like an axe that chops at my heart." - Yann Martel
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Why are you running from her? Is it because you felt something so beautiful in your chest that it scares you? You felt that genuine connection with her, even years later you still have it, electricity flowing through your veins, you both were very similar yet also had your differences, nothing was forced, everything just rolled like waves kissing the shore. You weren't even looking for it, it just came to you, you never expected it, neither did she. You’d talk to her all day for hours on end about each other’s lives, she was the light in your busy work life and you were hers. She was someone who instantly made you smile when you saw her name on your phone. She made you really laugh, her voice was something you wanted to hear at the end of the day. She was a different kind a person you encountered, she was mischievous, she was unfiltered, unguarded, unafraid to put herself out there, she gave you something to really think about. She really loved you. You have been waiting all your life for someone to really read you, hoping you'll make sense to them and you found that in her. You connected with her emotionally before you even saw her naked body. Is that why you’re running from her? You don’t know what to do with a women like that? She calls you out on your bullshit and tells you when she thinks you're about to make a mistake. She cares deeply about you. She makes you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, like you being in a foreign country and you don’t know the language, because all you’re used to is comfortable and easy, you’re used to routine, knowing where you’ll end up and with her she was far from that. She was passionate, wonder and spontaneous and you didn’t know you’re left from you’re right, she sent you spinning, like you’d just come out of a hurricane. It's just a friendship, you tell yourself, is that why you're running from her? You’d rather kill something before it’s even been properly brought to life. You’re not from her city, so it’s best to cut ties and go in separate directions with your own lives. You could have visited each other, it would have been nice to see a familiar face in each other’s cities or would that have been too hard? Because that kind of connection comes with effort, time and distance and you’d rather move on and try to forget about her and pretend it was all a dream and leave every thing you knew about each other in the past. You'd rather return back to your normal life than to take a chance on it and fail, get your heart broken. There'll be someone else at home in your city, you tell yourself and maybe there will be.
So instead you don’t say goodbye to her, you just stop communicating with her, you just run from her. Because running away is easy. Running away means you don't have to keep in touch. You run because you’re not ready for someone like her. Funny how the universe works like that, giving you someone you’ve always envisioned you'd end up with but at the wrong time or place. But no one ever is ready when they meet the person who’ll change their life and sometimes the one comes along earlier than you might expect it. So you run because you're scared of falling in love, falling so deep into someone that ignites all your senses you’ve hidden deep within yourself. Running away means you’re the one in control of the situation. Running away means your heart was never in it, you had no emotional attachment, at least that’s what you’ll tell yourself, you'll tell yourself you never really had feelings, it wasn’t a real connection, it was just a fleeting moment, it didn't mean anything. It was nothing. Nothing. That’s what you’ll continue you tell yourself every time you think of her. Running away means you don’t get to see the hurt or damage that you’ve caused by leaving. Running away means you don’t have to see tears swell in their eyes when you look at them or hear the crack in their voice as they muffle "goodbye" when you hang up the phone. Running away means nothing ever really happened, you were never truly invested, you didn’t fall head over heels for them and you didn’t make them fall for you and everything that you are, it was all just a game, just for fun, something casual to pass time until someone else comes along, you didn’t care what your words or actions told them. You run because your ego told you to. You run because you think there’s something greater on the horizon, and when you realize genuine connections don't come around too often, it's like winning the lottery, you’ll try to search for someone like her, maybe you’ll find parts of her in someone you meet, or maybe you won’t and you know with everyone else you get involved with you’d just be settling for a half life, a half love. She'll linger in your mind every now and then, and you will miss her like she misses you but it will be too late to do anything about it by the time you realize you've let something real go, she would have moved on, because you didn't say "goodbye", "let's keep in touch" or "see you again soon". Maybe you’re running because you can’t bare to see her again, to see the way her body dips and curves, to feel her skin pressed against yours as you hug her closely just you used to do, her nails in your back, her breath against your ears, or her fingers tracing your body as you fall asleep. Maybe you’re just running because you’re afraid to get hurt, it's best for you to act like you don’t care. You think running away makes you the stronger one, the one who didn’t get attached, the one in control, the one with all the power.
But by gosh, what if you stopped running and stayed for once? Will you risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream life? Will you stay because your heart is bigger than your ego? Will you stay because you saw something genuine and real? Are you done chasing temporary things? Is your need for love greater than your need for attention from just anyone passing by? Will you stay because you want quality over quantity? Will you stay because you know she would bring out the very best in you? Will you stay because you know she's worth the sacrifices you both need to give to make it work? Will you stay because a life with her would be full of adventure and laughter? You know you’d fall in love with a girl like her, so would you stay to see where it took you? Will you stay because with her it felt like you were home, even if you were far away from it? Will you stay because you feel like this is where you belong, after feeling like you didn’t really belong anywhere at all? Will you stay because you know she accepts all your complexities and still loves you anyway? She saw your flaws, scars and rough edges as something so brilliantly beautiful. She adores you. She saw your potential and thinks you are absolute magic. Will you stay because she challenges you to be the very best version of yourself, she can see what you’re capable of, who you can become and what you’re made for in this life? Will you stay because you know she'll never hold you back from doing all you’ve ever dreamed of in life, instead she'll push you towards them? What would it take for you just stay and not run from her?
***
So maybe you’ll FaceTime her a few months from now, and you’ll catch her before she goes to sleep at night. You’ll be caught off guard because you thought she wouldn’t answer. "Why would she?", you'd think to yourself, "I never said goodbye". Your voice is drenched in whiskey but her voice is soft like you remember and her eyes still light up when you tell her about your life back home. She looks happy, she makes you genuinely laugh for the first time in months and hearing her giggles echo down the phone is like music to your ears. You’ll tell her you’ve been thinking about her and you miss your best friend, only she doesn’t say it back to you. She’ll look down, let out a sigh and say "a women like me doesn’t need someone in her life that runs, she needs someone in her life that stays, I’m sorry but you let me go." And that’s when you’ll know. That’s when you’ll know running away is all you’ve been good at. Now you only wish you had just stayed.
