She’s Going To Be The Girl You Wish You Married

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She’s not going to be the girl you marry, she’s going to be the girl you wish you married but didn’t, because by the time you realize her worth, by the time you realize the love she had for you was unconditional and infinite, by the time you realize you really couldn’t replace her, she would have let go of you and moved on to someone who already knew she was all they needed in their life to be happy. 

You traded real love for an empty life. You decided to give up on her, you ran when dark storm clouds formed across the horizon and instead of braving the weather together you drove off far away to sunshine and shelter and left her in the open without an umbrella. Silly boy, don’t you know that the most wonderful rainbows come after a storm? Well, that rainbow is her, picking up the damaged and scattered pieces alone and putting the life she had back together, differently, and without you in it. She finally realized that some battles were not worth fighting for anymore. She’d given it her all. She worked with what she had. She did everything she could do. She tried everything that she could possibly try. She was always loyal, faithful, and honest. She chose you over anyone else to love. She loved you for the person you are, flaws and all, she didn't try to change you. She stuck by you through the worst times, she cared so deeply for you and made sure you were always safe. She supported you with all the dreams and goals you wanted to pursue, she would have sacrificed anything to be with you and to make you happy. She continuously showed and proved to you that she loved you, her actions always lined up with her words. She gave it literally everything she had in her and that right there was her closure because she realized you didn’t appreciate her or respect her for all that she was. 

One day it'll hit you. It'll hit when you're in a bar, surrounded by all your friends and you'll realize how alone you feel. It'll hit you when you smell the scent of her favourite perfume walking through a store. It'll hit you when you're in the grocery store in the confectionery isle and you'll see that bag of red frogs that you always used to eat whilst watching a movie together. It'll hit you when you look down at your coffee and you'll remember how her big brown eyes would always light up before she kissed you. It'll hit you when you see a sunset, it will be soft and pink just like her lips. It'll hit you when you stretch your arm out across the bed and feel a cold, empty space. It'll hit you when you're riding fast on your motorcycle, you'll realize she gave you more of an adrenaline rush every time you saw her than your bike ever could. It'll hit you that she was your best friend and your soul mate. It'll hit you that the connection you had with her was real and rare. It'll hit you when it's too late for you to do anything about it. You waited too long. She's gone. 

She’s no longer the girl you can call or message when you’ve had a bad day or just because you want to hear her voice. She’s no longer the girl who is going to check up on you to see if you’re okay or text you good morning or goodnight. She’s no longer the girl who gives you witty banter and sarcasm that makes you smirk. She’s no longer the girl who will run her fingers along your body and through your hair as you fall asleep. She’s no longer the girl who will look at you like you’re the only one in the world, like you’re the sun, the moon and all of the stars. She’s no longer the girl who knows that spot on your body that sends you so wild it makes you laugh until you can't breathe. She's no longer the girl with the soft lips that's going to kiss you and kiss you and kiss you until you tell her to stop. She’s not even the girl that's going to reply to that “I miss you” text you send her months later when you've realized she’s the only one for you, the only one you truly want in life, because she is finally done fighting for someone who didn’t fight for her.

She will be with someone who wants to make her happy and hates to see her upset or hurting and would do anything to make the pain go away. She will be with someone who knows they can't let her go, someone who knows just how important she is, someone who makes her a priority. She will be with someone who is scared to lose her and what they have built for he will know that she is his future. She will be someone who can get into arguments with her and still look at her as if she's the best thing that's ever happened to them, who will grab her by the waist and kiss her to remind her that he is staying and won't give up when things get a little rough. She will be with someone who gives her attention, time and who is never "too busy" for her. She will be with someone who appreciates the little things she does for him. She will be with someone who would rather look at her than a sunset, who will tell her how exquisite she is every chance he gets. She will be with someone who will run his lips over her body like he's exploring a sacred temple. She will be with someone who will travel for hours on end just to see her for a few because he cherishes every passing moment with her. She will be with someone who knows he needs her by his side, through the good times and the bad. She will be in a relationship she doesn't have to question. She will be with someone who is so hopelessly, truly and completely in love with her. She will be with someone who is so sure about her....just like she was fucking so sure about you. 

She’s not going to be the girl you marry though, she’s going to be the girl you wish you married but didn’t because you realized a little too late and now you've truly lost her.

Nobody Teaches You How To Deal With Grief

“Grief is such a strange thing. Sometimes it seems to be gone entirely, but then one smell or sound or memory and it’s as if it was waiting there, in the shadows, until you noticed it following you.” - Natalie Whipple, House of Ivy & Sorrow

Grief, it’s a very painful and overwhelming emotion to feel, yet an essential and fundamental part for growth as a person. We all deal with it, it does not discriminate. Grief comes in many forms - from losing a loved one, whether they are alive or taken from the heavens above, to not landing your dream job, financial hardship or a health issue. 

Nobody teaches you how to deal with grief because dealing with grief is something that cannot be taught, because not a single one of us are the same. There’s no rule book or guidelines. We all have our own coping mechanisms. We all deal with it in different ways whether it be shutting yourself off from the world, screaming, crying and cursing until your lungs burn and your bones ache, to meditating or writing, or drinking, self medicating, fucking or sweating the pain away. How yourself deals with grief is no ones business but your own. And not one person has the right to tell you how you should express yourself whilst grieving or what you’re feeling isn’t valid enough, no matter how little or big they think the situation you’re going through is. The only people who think there is a time limit for grief have never truly lost a piece of their heart. 

Grieving IS NOT a sign of weakness. Grief is tremendous but love trumps it, always. You’ve grieved because you have loved with all of your beating heart. Grief is all the love you want to give, but cannot. And while you cannot give your love to that particular person or thing, give extra love to yourself. Be kinder to yourself. Don’t be impatient with the process of healing, there are many emotions to go through and steps to be taken. It is a slow process, and it may seem it’s impossible to get through but the feeling does lessen over time.

Life is relentless, there’s no timeout, it goes on and so must you. Day by day, the sun will rise again and so will you, you will put one foot in front of the other and there will be some days where you’ll wonder how you even made it through the day before, but you did, and you should be proud, you put on your armor and fought through another day and didn’t give up even though you felt the whole world was on your shoulders. The key is to keep going, keep waking up the next day, keep striving for your own well being. Channel all your pain into something that makes you happy. You will find over time you WILL start to feel better. But don’t beat yourself over the days where a wave comes crashing out of nowhere and you feel like you’re back drowning in sorrow again because as long as there was pure love and the greatest memories, you truly haven’t lost and no matter how hard you try, sometimes in life, some things or people cannot be fixed or forgotten, they can only be carried.